Today, the most incredible thing happened. I have noticed for the past couple of months that my baby is obsessed with me. I am obsessed with her, of course, but it is also a two-way street, and I love, love, love this. It is also the most amazing, heart-melting, indescribable feeling to feel real unconditional love like this.
This is what being a parent is! This is what they all talk about!
As a breastfeeding mother, especially during the delirium at the beginning, I just felt like such a milk machine. It's so full-on, and you have to wonder; Does my baby know me? Does she know I gave birth to her? Does she know who I am vs. someone else, that I am her Mom? Or if she is looking at me like I'm a Happy Meal?
Breastfeeding is just so instinctual. Newborn babies have this physiological response to you. I mean, when she is hungry, and I turn her head towards my breast, it is like she is going for blood (either that or she is just a foodie like her Mom). She looks like a little Walking Dead zombie frantically turning her head back and forth, with her mouth open, eyes closed looking to latch on to whatever flesh I give her.
I know the connection I feel with her is overwhelming. I know that I love her so much it is ridiculous, but sometimes I'm just curious about the reciprocity of baby love vs. instinct.
As a Mom, and more so, as a stay at home mom, your baby will spend the most time with you over anyone else, so the love makes sense. Ok, ok, I know she loves me, but as she gets older, I feel I know this even more than I did before. Now, I know that the #babymilestones they reach are their way of showing you, as parents, their love.
When she first smiles, when she first laughs. When I see her looking at me like I am the most beautiful person she has ever seen, then I know, this is it, this is the love, and my heart explodes.
All these little things she does are so incredible, and now that she is older, she is way more responsive. Initially, when breastfeeding, she would open her eyes, and I knew that she was studying me. Now, just a few weeks later, when breastfeeding, she will look at me, and she'll give me this little smile like we have our little secret.
She can now track my movements across the room. She likes to hold my hand and reaches out to touch me (when she is on the changing table when she is sitting on my lap when she is eating). She can see me, and I know she is aware that it's me and that I am THE person in her life. She knows that I am the main event for her as she is for me.
When my husband is holding her, and I'm around, she is pretty much looking at me the entire time, and when I come over to talk to her, she starts waving her arms wildly like she is having a baby dance party. I know from other moms that these little gestures will continue and get even better.
This is pure bliss. Not to be too sappy, but I feel like this is love in its purest form. To be so content and excited to see one person all the time, this is what babies give us; this is the joy of being a Mom.